to "This Week's Joke"
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Brain Transplant
Telemarketer
HUMMMMMM
The Japanese Student
Depressed
The Lie
Strong Young Man
Student of Psychology
Captain's Parrot
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just
want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.
The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the
chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed
to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by
unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on
the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a
gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a
government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is
already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road
syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take?
Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax
dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to
build a road for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing
order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain
level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain
truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
side." That's what they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
Boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the
chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken
tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a
serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of
crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE
I invented the chicken!
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE
ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
www.letsplaysoccer.com
Where we come to play!
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Brain Transplant
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting
room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came
in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad
news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left
for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an
experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will
cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain
cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and
$200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward.
Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women,
but some actually smirked. A man, unable to contro l his curiosity,
blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male
brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down
the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
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Telemarketer
A woman, employed as a telemarketer, was making phone calls to
different households. A little boy answered and whispered,
"Hello". The woman asked if the mother was there. The little boy
whispered, "Yes." The woman asked if she could speak with
her. The little boy whispered, "No, she is busy."
The woman asked if the father was there. The little boy
whispered, "Yes". The woman asked if she could speak to him. the
little boy whispered, "No, he is busy too." The woman asked if anyone
else was there and the little boy whispered, "Yes, the fire department is
here." The woman said, "May I speak with one of
them?" The little boy whispered. "No, they are all busy."
The woman asked if anyone else was there, the boy whispered
"Yes, the police department." The woman concerned at this point
said " May I speak to one of them?" The little boy whispered,
"No, they are busy too." The woman said "May I asked what
they are all doing?"
The little boy whipered "They are all looking for me".
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HUMMMMMM
Barbara Walters did a
story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted
then that women customarily walked about nine feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait
recently and observed that the men now walked many yards behind their wives. Ms.
Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you
tell the free world just what let women here achieve this reversal of
roles?"
"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.
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The Japanese Student
The First Day at an American School somewhere in Asia -
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese
businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American history.
Who said 'Give me liberty, or give me death!'?" She saw only a sea of
blank faces, except for that of Suzuki, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
"Very good! Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of
the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the
earth'?" ?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" ?
As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper:
"Damned Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.
At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Suzuki's classroom
superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up."
The teacher glared and asked, ?"All right! Now who said that?"
Again, Suzuki raised his hand and said, "George Bush to Japanese
Prime
Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? --- this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
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Depressed
There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his
drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck
driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all
down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I
was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man
crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of
my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged,
fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The
police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I
leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver
just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with
the gardener.
I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I
was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.
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The Lie
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a
group of young boys surrounding a dog. Concerned the boys might hurt the
dog, he went over and asked: "What are you doing with that dog?"
A boy replied, " This dog is just an old neighborhood
stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So
we've decided that whoever can tell the biggest lie will get to keep
him." Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys
shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!!" he exclaimed. He then
launched into a ten-minute sermon against lying, beginning, " Don't you
boys know it's a sin to lie", and ending with , " Why, when I was your
age, I never told a lie."
There was a dead silence for about a minute. Just as the
reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy
gave a deep sigh and said. " All right, give him the dog."
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Strong Young Man
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that
he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of
making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older
worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your month is, "he
said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow
over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back"
"You are on, old man," the braggart replied.
"Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said. "All right.
Get in."
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Student of Psychology
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees
a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up
his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would
you mind if I bought you a drink?". She responds by yelling, at the
top of her lungs: "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the
guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table,
totally red faced. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him and says, " I am really sorry if I
embarrassed you just then. You see, I am a graduate student in psychology
and I am studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at he top of his lungs," What do you
mean $200 ?!?!"
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Captain's parrot
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of
course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on
for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
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