to "This Week's Joke"

 A blind man in a "Ladies Bar"

Never say Never

SIGNS IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES WRITTEN FOR ENGLISH SPEAKING TRAVELERS:

The Blonde Bowling Team

Pizza Delivery

Betty Crocker she is'nt

Testing wife and Mistress

Try being nicer?

Big Mouth

 A blind man in a "Ladies Bar"

A  blind man enters a "Ladies Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the
bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

 The bar immediately falls  absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,  "Before you tellthat joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are  blind, that yous hould know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde  woman.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb.  blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is  blonde and is a professional weight
lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a  blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Honey.  Do you STILL wanna tell that joke?"

 The blind man thinks for a second, shakes  his head and declares, Nah...

Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five  time

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Never say Never

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon.
In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

"Rain."

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SIGNS IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES WRITTEN FOR ENGLISH SPEAKING TRAVELERS:

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS
SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

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The Blonde Bowling Team

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.  The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

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Pizza Delivery

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when, Jason, a college student, delivered his pizza.

"Well," Jason replied, "This is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great".

"Is that so?" grunted the man.  "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks," Jason said, "I'll put it in my college fund".

"By the way, what are you studying?, inquired the man.

Jason replied, "Applied psychology."

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Betty Crocker she is'nt

Jane entered the kitchen one morning, reached to turn on the light, and it didn't work. After replacing the bulb, still no light. When John, her husband, came home, she said "Honey, the light switch is broken. Could you fix it for me please? To which John replied while displaying proudly the front of his TShirt, "Do you see 'Electrician' written on the front of this shirt?" Jane said nothing.

Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the cabinet door fell off today. Could you put it back on for me please?" To which John, of course, replied, "Do you see 'Carpenter' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"

Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the water pipe under the sink is leaking. Could you fix it for me please?" Right! John replied, "Do you see 'plumber' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"

Next day John came home and the light switch was working, the cabinet door had been replaced, and the pipe wasn't leaking. John said, "I see you found some good repairmen". To which Jane replied, "No, I just called the neighbor next door." John asked, "Oh really? And how much did he charge?"

Jane laughed and said, "He didn't charge anything. He said I could just bake him some "goodies" or we could trade it out for an affair." To which, of course, John asked, "Well, what kind of "goodies" did you bake for him?"

And Jane said proudly while displaying the front of her shirt, "Honey, do you see Betty Crocker written on here anywhere?"

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Testing wife and Mistress

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.

"How so?" the encouraged man asked.

"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

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Try being nicer?

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home well inebriated around midnight. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit in the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry just continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all. Her friend said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."

The wife thought this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. At about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman, and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" At that, he replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

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Big Mouth

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some stupid guy out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." 

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just promiscuous women and hockey players up there." Really replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

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