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"This Week's Joke"
Investment Advice
Important Thoughts
The Queen and our Dubya
Sunday School instead of Fishing
Forgotten Wish
Kiss on the Cheek
Comprehending Engineers
Differences Between You and Your Boss
Investment Advice
If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago,
it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1000.00.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the
stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent
deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.
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Important Thoughts
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Everyone has a
photographic memory. Some don't have film. |
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He who laughs last,
thinks slowest. |
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A day without sunshine
is like, well, night. |
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On the other hand, you
have different fingers. |
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Change is inevitable,
except from a vending machine. |
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Seen it all, done it
all, can't remember most of it. |
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Those who live by the
sword get shot by those who don't. |
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You have the right to
remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you. |
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Honk if you love peace
and quiet. |
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Despite the cost of
living, have you noticed how living remains so
popular? |
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Nothing is foolproof
to a sufficiently talented fool. |
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It is hard to
understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and
blamed it on the high cost of living. |
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The 50-50-90 rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. |
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You can't have
everything, where would you put it? |
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Latest survey shows
that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
population. |
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If the shoe fits, get
another one just like it. |
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The things that come
to those that wait may be the things left by
those who got there first. |
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Give a man a fish and
he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and
he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. |
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Shin: A device for
finding furniture |
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As long as there are
tests, there will be prayer in public schools. |
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A fine is a tax for
doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. |
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Everybody lies, but it
doesn't matter since nobody listens. |
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I wished the buck
stopped here, as I could use a few. |
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Light travels
faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear
them. |
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The Queen and our Dubya
President Bush is representing the United States of America on a
highly formal, orchestrated state visit to England. Air Force One stops at a
bright red carpet along which the President strides to join Queen Elizabeth II
in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to 6 enormous matched
white horses. The coach proceeds through the streets of London en route to
Buckingham Palace, the Queen and the President waving to the cheering throngs.
Then suddenly the right
rear horse produces a thunderous, cataclysmic noise that reverberates through
the air and rattles the doors of the coach.
Uncomfortable, the reaction of the two powerful figures is to focus their
attentions elsewhere and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened. But,
the Queen is the first to realize that ignoring what had just happened is
ridiculous. She explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets - I'm
sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot
control."
President Bush replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another
thought --- you know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was
one of the horses."
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Sunday School instead of Fishing
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew
that he was usually very prompt and she asked, "Johnny, is there anything
wrong?" The boy replied, " No, I was going fishing but my dad
told me that I needed to go to church."
The teacher was very impressed and asked Johnny if his dad had
explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.
Johnny replied. " Yes teacher, Dad said he did not have
enough bait for both of us."
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Forgotten Wish
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of
his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third
wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your
second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made
your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it
was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the
heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared
forever. "That was your first wish, too."
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Kiss on the Cheek
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that
they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the
husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was
suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that
they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the
doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate
matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her
friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to
thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay
you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time
I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
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Comprehending Engineers
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a
mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found
there. The engineer said, "I like both."
Both?" The engineer replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.
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Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
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