to
"This Week's Joke"
A man Died
Problem with English
True Story
Albert
The Weatherman
Divorce
Funeral Services
Life
after Death
The
Headache
A man Died
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Preval clock?" asked the man.
"Preval clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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Problem with English
There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and
they lived in St. Louis. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but
she managed to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't' know
how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show
her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to
say it in English, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her
breast. The lady then got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to
communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
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What were you thinking?
Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!
Now get back to work...........
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True Story
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....
True story...we had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "
So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
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Albert
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a
screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly,
"Don't get exited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep
calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be
commended for trying to soothe your son Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
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The Weatherman
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an
Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain".
The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up
to the director and said," Tomorrow storm." The next day there
was a hell of a storm. "This Indian is incredible," said the
director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the
weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian
didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a
big scene tomorrow," said the director, " and I'm depending on
you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know,"
he said, "radio is broken".
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Divorce
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The
husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,
"Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a
divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because
I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover
than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger
increases.
She says, "I want the house."
Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit
cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says,
"Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the
airbag!".
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Funeral Services
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a
faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking,
the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!'''
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Life
after Death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked
one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said. "After you
left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see
you."
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The
Headache
Joe was successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his
social and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally
found a doctor who identified the problem.
"The good news is that I can cure your headaches, however, the bad news is it will require castration. You have
a very rare condition which causes pressure up against the base of your spine which causes the headaches.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to surgically castrate you."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for facing such a choice. Nonetheless, he decided
there was
nothing he could do but go under the knife. When he left the hospital he felt like he left an important part of himself behind. But as he
walked down the street, he realized his headaches were gone and he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and
live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "Why not? Let me start out with a new suit." He entered the shop and told
the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed,
"That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." replied the salesman.
Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and
said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and...16 1/2 neck" Joe was surprised,"That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." replied the salesman.
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar
in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and
said,"Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said,
"Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." came the reply.
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how
did you know?" "It's my job." replied the salesman once again. The hat fit perfectly and Joe was feeling great.
The salesman then asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped
back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook
his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34. A size 34 will press against the base of your spine and give you one heck of
a headache."
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