to
"This Week's Joke"
Another Dumb Blonde
$ THREE'S COMPANY TOO $
Two Nuns: Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical
Old is When ...
Randy the Rooster
The
Farmer's Daughters
The Efficiency Expert
Ponderable ...
What if I died?
Another Dumb Blonde
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a
small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands
on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde
jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys
like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your
kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women
in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde
yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your
knee!''
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$ THREE'S COMPANY TOO $
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their
exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive,
meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if
we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean,
no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more
country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller
homes, but the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on
his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
She replies, "Ours is prettier."
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Two Nuns: Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical
There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical
(SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and
they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight
and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can
we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started
to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll
go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at
the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister
Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he
followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a
man with his pants down........
(And those of you who thought it would be dirty, say a prayer of repentance:)
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Old is When ...
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go
upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do
both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN.....Your friend compliments you on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long
as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN.....You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means you don't
need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car
in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to
pee.
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Randy the Rooster
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he
would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he
buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard,
first, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now.
You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me lots of money.
Consequently, I 'll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle. Randy seemed to understand, so the
farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot.
WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is
really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after flock of geese,
down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! Randy gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is
distraught - worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead
as a doorknob - stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling
overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I
tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,
"Shhh, they're getting close."
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The
Farmer's Daughters
There was a farmer who had four daughters. He was in a habit of
worrying about his daughters and always answered the door with a shotgun. One night,
he hears a knock at the door and finds a young man standing there.
The young man says: "My name is Freddy. I've come to pick up Betty. We're
going out for spaghetti. I hope she's ready."
The farmer thought that was cute so he let them go out. Pretty soon another knock on the door and
another young man was there.
He said: "My name is Vance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance?"
Again the farmer thought it was cute and let them go. Soon another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there.
He said: "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?"
Once again the farmer thought it was cute and he let them go.? Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there.
He said: "My name is Chuck,"
The farmer shot him.
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The Efficiency Expert
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of
caution, " You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,"
the expert explained, "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove,
table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I
suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'".
The voice from the back asked." Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take
her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in
seven."
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Ponderable ...
It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts.
Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates. Which of these is your
choice?
A: Associates with wart heelers and consults with
astrologists. He's had two mistresses, chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
martinis a day.
B: Was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,
used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.
C: Is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.
A) Franklin D. Roosevelt, B) Winston Churchill, and C) Adolph
Hitler
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What if I died?
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you
remarry?" "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I
would. We all need companionship."
" If I died and you remarried," the wife asks,
"would she live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money
getting this house just the way we want it. I am not going to get rid of
my house. I guess she would."
" If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this
house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?" "
Well. the bed is brand new, and it costs us $2, 000. It's going to last a
long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house
and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" " Oh,
no," the husband replies. "She is left-handed."
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