to
"This Week's Joke"
A Blonde's Brain At Work
Petty Argument
Accidental Bonding
Capitalism
Higher Authority
Spaghetti, Spaghetti
Crystal Ball
The IRS Letter
Dying Confessions
How did you die?
Bill and Hillary at the Gas station
A Blonde's Brain At Work
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female
boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early
tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets
some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home
to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of
the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again
sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
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Petty Argument
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of
them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
" I will admit I am wrong, " the wife told her husband
in a conciliary attempt, "if you will admit I am right".
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I am wrong," she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You are
right!"
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Accidental Bonding
A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally
demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our
cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign
from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each
other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another
miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then
hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap
back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"
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Capitalism
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit
opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with
an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells, the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine
cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon
and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who
reported the numbers.
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Higher Authority
The Pope had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast
and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo,
he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.
Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the
back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel. He turned onto Hwy 95 and
accelerated to about 90 mph. WHAM!, the blue lights of the State Patrol flashed
in his rearview mirror.
He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. When the trooper saw who
it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in". The
trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said, "I have a REALLY
important person pulled over and I need to know what to do".
The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted again?"
The trooper said, "No, even more important".
"It isn't the Governor, is it?" asked the chief.
"No, even more important", replied the trooper.
"It isn't the President, is it?"
"No", replied the trooper, "even more important".
"Well, WHO the HECK is it?!", screamed the chief.
The trooper responded, "I don't know for sure but I think it might be
Jesus because the Pope is his chauffeur!"
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Spaghetti, Spaghetti
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward,
she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the
nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby
there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the
back. I'll take care of the child's expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six
months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office
and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today
from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to
you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor
with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic
stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the
cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs,
two without."
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Crystal Ball
The Acme Company was trying to sell its new computerized crystal ball to a major
marketing executive. But as expected, the executive was quite skeptical. The Acme sales rep told the executive, "Go ahead
and type a question into the crystal ball." The executive typed, "Where is my father?" The crystal ball bleeped and blooped for a short
while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan." The executive said to the sales rep, "You see? I knew this was BS. My
father's been dead for twenty years." "Hmmmm. Try asking the question in a different way." This time the executive typed, "Where is
my mother's husband?" The crystal ball came back with an answer, even more quickly this time than before. "Your mother's
husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."
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The IRS
Letter
H&R Block rep's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our
attention that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax
story. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in
the midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and
credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself.
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned
whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil & expensive.
It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the
government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows
something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next
year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are
yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I
suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not
seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes
should be a breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful
that you will now be responsible for that little expense.
While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at
the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department
of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of
the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind
her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe
sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling
this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a
rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little
close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if
you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in the
morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were
TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS
office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair
is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with
it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the
vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is
the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in
your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives,
inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find
telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900
and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic
one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad
trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that
looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset
the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the
schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of
the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible
parents (ask
the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror.
She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois
she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political
doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her
roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears
hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times.
There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of
"nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the
entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which
two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with
Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still
have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two
girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already
increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to
make a down payment on an airplane.
Yours Truly,
Bob
Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date: "Rats,
they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions."
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Dying
Confessions
Becky was on her deathbed.
Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He
held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused
her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."
She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have
something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping
Jake. Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best
friend and your father."
"I know" , answered Jake, "that's why I poisoned you"
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How did you die?
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How did you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to
death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze
to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get
the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's
a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're
sleeping".
How about you, how did you die?
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my
wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up
to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but
no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was
hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got
there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic. If you had only stopped
to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
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Bill and Hillary at the Gas Station
Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown.
They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The
attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple's tank.
As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary. We
used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks.
They chat for a few minutes. Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they
drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You
used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married
him," he says smugly.
Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. The she replies, "Well, I guess you'd be
pumping gas and he would be the President."
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