to
"This Week's Joke"
The Loan
I.R.S.
Going Fishing
The island...
Oz
The mailman
Wow - this could be a problem.
The Loan
The Black Man says he's going to Jamaica on business for
two weeks and wants to borrow
$5,000.
The loan officer says the bank
will need some kind of security for the loan, so
the Black Man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on
the street in front of the bank. He has all the papers including the logbook and
everything checks out ok
The
bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee of
the bank then proceeds to
drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage
and parks it there.
The news quickly spreads
throughout the bank and over lunch, the bank's
president and its officers
all enjoy a good laugh at the 'dumb black man's'
expense for using a $250,000
Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
Two
weeks later, the Black Man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $20.41. The
loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to
have had your business, and
this transaction has worked out very nicely but were
a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found
that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to
borrow $5,000?"
The
Black Man smiled and then replied; "Where else in Central London can I
park my car for two weeks for only $20.41 and expect it to be there when
I
return?
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I.R.S.
A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the
IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just as the Enron or
WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit
dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi
clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a
little fun with the Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and
when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and
then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his
obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all
the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to
the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins
from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do
is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to
the I.R.S."
"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. " ..and about
once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
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A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one
night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever
seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful,
sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that
the woman could not help but stare.
The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a
sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to apologize for
staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.
"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice.
"Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized,
for fifty dollars. There's just one condition..."
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then
reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address
on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand.
She leaned over and whispered into his ear...
"Clean... my... house."
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Lessons in Management
Start
with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string
and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs
and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray
all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an
attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold
water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it
with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To
his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another
attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be
assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes
part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original
monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.
Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the
monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb
the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have
ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches
the stairs to try for the banana.
Why not?
Because
as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.
And that, my friends, is how Management policy begins.
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Another Dumb Blonde
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a
small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands
on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde
jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys
like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your
kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women
in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde
yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your
knee!''
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Going Fishing
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it
was the biggest store in the world, you could get anything there. The boss asked him
"Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country"
said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said "You can start tomorrow and I'll come
and see you when we close up"
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around.
The boss duly fronted up and asked "How many sales did you make today?" "One" said the
young salesman. "Only One" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "$300,334.00"
said the young man. "How did you manage that??!!!!" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I
sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and
a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him
down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his
Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the
new Deluxe Cruiser".
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No" answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, you're weekend's shot, you may as well
go fishing"
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The island...
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere
where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 Russian men and 1 Russian woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle
of nowhere....
The 1st Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "ménage
à trois".
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they visit the German
woman.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Bulgarian
woman and started swimming.
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman
keeps on complaining about her body being her own and the true nature of
feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and set up a
distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort
of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know
the English aren't getting any...
The first Russian man married the Russian woman and divorced her. He is the best
customer of the Irish distillery. The other Russian man made money by actually
killing the Italian and by arranging exit visas for the Bulgarians; with that he
acquired a controlling 33.4% share in the Irish distillery including the
world-wide distribution rights to the English. He employs both Germans as
bodyguards (hence the strict schedule) both for himself and for his Russian
girlfriend, and has promised the Bulgarian woman that she can become the maid of
their first child. He regularly sees the Swedish woman "to learn
English".
In the mean time, the French still think they are alone on the island.
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Oz
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off
they spin to OZ.
After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to The Emerald
City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly, "I had a terrible time with Iran, so
I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM," says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain."
"DONE," says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT
WIZARD?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I
need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE," says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking
around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD
CITY?"
"Is Dorothy around?
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The mailman
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, "I know the whole truth".
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home,
and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your
father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from
work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father
promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your
mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when
he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I
know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then
come give your FATHER a big hug."
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Wow - this
could be a problem.
A husband calls his home from work. A strange woman answers the
phone. He asks,
- "Who is this?"
- "This is the maid," answers the woman.
- "We don't have a maid!"
- "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
- "Oh. Well, .... this is her husband. Is she there?"
- "Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone, whom I just
naturally figured was her husband."
He'd always suspected, but now it's confirmed.
- "Listen," he said to the maid, "would you like to make
$50,000?"
- "What do I have to do?"
- "I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den. Then, I want you to
shoot this wife of mine AND the creep she's with."
- "$50,000? Are you serious?"
- "I'm as serious as a heart attack!"
The maid set the phone down. The husband hears footsteps,
followed by gunshots. After a moment, the maid returns to the phone and asks,
- "What should I do with the bodies?"
- "Throw them both into the pool."
- "What pool?"
- "Is this 691-4568?"
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