to
"This Week's Joke"
The prayer
Bartender Help
The Unfortunate Slap
Abbott and Costello reborn
A setback in Iraqi-American relations
Senior Citizens
It's me, Silly!!!
Spaghetti, Spaghetti
Take the Bus ...
THE TRICKY ZIPPER
A Fairy Tale for the Assertive Woman
The prayer
A little boy wanted $100
badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they
decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you
note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some
reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots
deducted $95.00!
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Bartender Help
An armless man walked into a bar which is
empty except for the bartender.
He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get
the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to
his lips.
The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the
bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.
The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms
and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replies -,
"The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
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The Unfortunate Slap
A beautiful blonde woman, a less attractive woman, Bill Clinton,
and George Bush were all sitting on a train. The train goes into a tunnel and
everything
goes dark. Soon after they all hear a "slap". As the train
comes out of the tunnel and the compartment is lit back up, everyone sees a red
mark on Bill Clinton's cheek. The blonde thinking to herself says, "I bet
he meant to grab me and grabbed the other woman and she slapped him." The
less attractive woman
thinking to herself says, "I bet he grabbed that blonde woman and she
slapped him." Bill Clinton thinking to himself says, "I
bet George Bush grabbed
that blonde woman and she slapped me thinking it was me." George Bush
thinking to himself says, "I can't wait to go through another tunnel
so I can slap Bill Clinton again!"
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Abbott and Costello reborn
Now that Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in
China,Yassir Arafat is still in Palestine, Kofi Annan is the Secretary General
of the Nations and Condi Rice is National Security Advisor to President Bush- I
wonder if Abbott and Costello might have written something like this!!
HU'S ON FIRST
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I just need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then
get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks
up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send
some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the
Middle East?
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A setback in Iraqi-American relations
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the
first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices
three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about
five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a
box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few
minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and
kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking,
not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But
when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in
the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without
them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi.
"We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for
talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair
and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses
the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few
seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing
happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam
jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of
hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to
Baghdad!"
Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
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Senior Citizens
A group of senior citizens was sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said
one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my
coffee,"
replied
another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a
third,
to
which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old
man as he
shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully.
"Thank God we can
all
still drive!"
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It's me, Silly!!!
After a romantic night with a beautiful girl, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
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Spaghetti, Spaghetti
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly
afterward, she told
him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a
sum
of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti"
on the back.
I'll take care of the child's expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the
office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the
mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it
to
you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the
floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead
medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated
the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and
meatballs, two without."
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Take the Bus ...
A 70 year old woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The
doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a
week. She said to the doctor: "Please, tell my husband."
The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband
that his wife needs to have sex three times a week.
The 80 year old husband replies: "Which days?"
The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday and
Friday."
The husband says, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday,
but on Fridays I play golf so she'll have to take the bus."
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THE TRICKY ZIPPER
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young
woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was
too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the
bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough
slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover
she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip
her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step once
again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a
little
smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and
again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we
was friends."
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A Fairy Tale for the Assertive Woman
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological
issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: "Elegant
Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince
that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle
with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my
children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so".
That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned
in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and
thought; "I don't think so."
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