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"This Week's Joke"
Upper Management
Old Lesson
The
Witness
Legal Advise
Job
Performance Reviews
Blondie
Dan Quayle quotes ...
Speechless
Cajun Vacation Story
Brunch
Heaven or Hell
Upper Management
An Indian walks
into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He
says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."
He gets the
Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the
coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing
parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next
morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling
a
waiter, "Me
want coffee."
The waiter
says, "Whoa,Tonto!
We're still
cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management
pCome In,
drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to
clean up, disappear for rest of day"
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Old Lesson
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial >pipe and eyeing two U. S. government officials sent to interview
him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the
white man for 90 years. You've seen his material wealth. You've seen his
progress. You've seen his wars."
The chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly
replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running
it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the
work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night
having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to
think he could improve system like that."
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The
Witness
A
small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial
- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones,
do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy.......... And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher......... Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and
asked......,"Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She
again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr.Bradle since he was a
youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a
real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The
man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women......Yes, I know him." The defense attorney was also
surprised and shocked.
At this point,the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called both
counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If
either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for
contempt!"
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Legal Advise
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their
conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and
asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the
exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from
asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it
to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The
doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling
slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in
his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
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These are quotes taken from job performance reviews:
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely
a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot
was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
12. A room temperature IQ.
13. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
14. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
15. Bright as Alaska in December.
16. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
17. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
18. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
19. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperms.
20. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
21. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
22. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
23. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.
24. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
Blondie
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar
and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for
a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a
blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In
a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that
joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde
and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the
woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your
right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister.
You still wanna tell that joke ?"
The blind guy thinks a moment and says,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Dan Quayle quotes ...
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A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going
to the polls. |
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It isn't pollution that is harming the environment.
It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. |
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One word sums up probably the responsibilities of any
vice-presidents, and that one word is "to be prepared". |
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We're going to have the best educated American people in the
world. |
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I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. |
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The future will be better tomorrow. |
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..... |
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Speechless
A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a
dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to
be posted that day, he asked his son if he got a part. The boy
enthusiastically announced that he had gotten a part, "I play a man who's
been married for twenty years."
"That is great, son. Keep up the good work and before
you know it, they will give you a speaking part."
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Cajun Vacation Story
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were talking one afternoon, and Boudreaux tells Thibodeaux,
"You know, I tink I'm ready for a lil vacation. But, dis year I wants to do sumting different. De las' few year, I
took your suggestion bout where to go. Tree year ago you say I should go to
Hawaii, an' did an' Marie got pregnant. De next year you say to go to de Bahamas. Marie got pregnant
agin. And las year you tol me to go to Tahiti. Sure enough, Marie got pregnant again."
And Thibodeaux asks Boudreau, "What you gonna do dis year dat's different?"
Boudreau says, "Dis year I gonna bring Marie wid me..."
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Brunch
Gore and Bush were in a restaurant ordering brunch. The waitress
asks Gore what he would like to order. After looking at the menu, Al says
"I would like some Eggs Benedict."
Waitress says "Fine, and what will you have Gov. Bush?"
Perusing the menu, George says "Well, I think I'd like to have a quickie."
Taken aback, the waitress responds "Why Gov. Bush, that's
awful, and you're not even President yet!"
Then Gore leans over and whispers into Bush's ear..............
"George, that's pronounced 'quiche'"
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Heaven or Hell
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources
Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director
make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in" said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found
herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all
her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and
talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and
lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator opened at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now
choose your eternity," he said.
The woman replied: "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down back
to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled........
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."
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