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"Bless me father-- for I have sinned.I have been with
a loose woman."
# 1: Pontius the Pilot Terri asked her Sunday school class to draw pictures of their
favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four
people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. 'I see '... "And that must be
Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth
person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot." # 2: No Prayer Needed The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me
frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little
Johnny replies, "I don't have to." "My Mom is a good cook." #3: Descending to Hell A college drama group presented a play in which one character
would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A
stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the
character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor
playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his
place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the
stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly
stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in
the balcony jumped up and yelled:
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a
ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks
into the forward cabin at the first class seats. Seeing that the first class
seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the
last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that
her seat is in coach.
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that
they would make this a REAL vacation by not wearing anything that would identify
them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and
bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty".The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins..." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ". The Minister said "that's right, That's Right" and went on with his sermon.The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
So there's this fella with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor, an absolute pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him hard and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet . At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's worried enough to open the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did that chicken do to you?"
A young brunette Flight Attendant goes into the doctor's office and tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes on her elbow and screams in agony. She then pushes on her knee and screams; pushes on her ankle and screams...and so it goes. No matter where she touches her agony is apparent. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette Flight Attendant, are you? You're really a blonde." She sheepishly admits that indeed she is a blonde. "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole family depart for a night out on the town. As he creeps across the darkened living room he hears a voice saying: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". The burglar shines his penlight torch around the room, but sees nothing. He takes another step, and he hears it again: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". This time he realizes the voice comes from above, and when he shines his
torch around he sees a parrot sitting on top of a cupboard. It looks him in the
eye and says: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". The burglar
laughs and says "You're just a parrot". The parrot looks him in the
eye and says "I'm a parrot and my name is Ebenezer". The burglar
laughs again, and says "Ebenezer is a pretty silly name for a parrot".
The parrot looks him in the eye, waits until he has stopped laughing, and says: |
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